


What Kaidan Can't Do

by sparkly_butthole



Series: The Future Is Ours [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Revelations, Sheploo - Freeform, kaidan is adorable
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-02
Updated: 2017-03-02
Packaged: 2018-09-27 23:23:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10056755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparkly_butthole/pseuds/sparkly_butthole
Summary: John discovers something about Kaidan.





	

            Kaidan has this hoodie. It’s Alliance blue and he looks ridiculously sexy in it. One of my favorite things is to sit and stare at him while he’s working, doing reports or going over intel in my cabin, while he’s curled up in my bed or on the couch, wearing that blue hoodie. Half the time I have to talk myself down from just attacking him right then and there. Nobody’s ever accused me of being a patient man, at least no one who actually knows me. Screw what the press says.

            I’m sitting here watching him now, in fact, staring at a datapad, lounging on the couch with one ankle up over his knee. Wearing my own sweatpants and that royal blue hoodie. And it occurs to me that he always throws the damn thing across the room, like he’s mad at it. Like he’s a toddler. He doesn’t unzip it, he pulls it over his head and _throws_ it. Even when we’re not in the midst of passion, hurrying to get naked. It’s every time. I almost want to laugh just picturing it.

            There are a lot of things about Kaidan I didn’t expect. I imagine he would say the same about me, of course, but he’s really something else. I’ve always said that still waters run deep, and he is the picture perfect ocean. There’s something about diving into him- literally and figuratively- that takes away the burdens I carry. Like I’m weightless. Like I’m floating in him, surrounded by him. He accepts me as though he has made a home for me inside him, in his heart, and I suppose he has.

            I didn’t expect that he was so gentle. God, when he touches me, a whisper against my skin, when he looks at me with that tender smile like I’m a fragile thing he’s afraid to break… it’s like being wrapped up in bubbles. I’ve never had someone treat me like that. I suppose there’s no “handle with care” label on me, but doesn’t everyone need something soft to come home to? Even the “great Commander Shepard” needs it. I recognize that… finally. Now that I know what it’s like and realize it’s been missing the oh, I don’t know, last 32 years.

            I didn’t expect how shy he is when it comes to matters of the heart. I’m terrible at romance and I’m the first to admit it. I have a tendency to bull rush things and they splatter; that doesn’t work if you want a light touch. He takes the cake, though, awkward as he is. It’s a funny thing. I think there’s a romantic hidden in there somewhere. Maybe I’ll make it my goal to pull it out of him. Maybe he wants to take charge of something, not because he really desires control, but because he wants _me_ to lose it, or at least give it up willingly. I love him for that, and for so many other things.

            I also didn’t expect his innocence. Obviously he was inexperienced, told me so himself. That was frankly pretty hot; I like taking, and being the first to do so in that manner, especially with him, well… it was one of the best nights of my life. Not just because of the sex, either. That he surrendered his own tight control to me, both physically and emotionally, remains an honor that I intend to respect with everything that I am.

            But the way he looked at the lube, and his lack of knowledge about cock rings, of all things, was pretty shocking to me. Not at all in a bad way. Just, what the hell, Kaidan? I know he’s looked at porn before. The man has a sex drive rivaling my own, and I’ve got the vanguard blood rage in my veins so that’s saying something. He’s an enigma, for sure.

            Strangely, the biggest mystery about him is that he is so hilariously clumsy and clueless sometimes. The simplest things give him pause, too. I’ve seen the man solve complicated puzzles in the field, like that damned thing on Noveria that made me so mad I wanted to bomb the place to hell, yet he’ll struggle with a children’s game. He told me he couldn’t tie his shoes until he was eight. Half the time I have to protect him from running into walls. It’s amazing he can hold and fire a gun at the same time.

            He’s looking at me now, and I realize I don’t know how long I’ve been lost in my thoughts. He’s smiling at me- shyly- and I either have the grin on my face that means _I love you so so so much_ or the one that means _I’m going to bend you over and spank you before fucking you until you can’t stand up._ My smile widens at that lovely thought… it’s definitely _become_ the second one, that’s for sure.

            He’s used to this by now. Enough that he knows what I want from him before the words come out. I blink, and he’s on his knees on the bed beside me, eyes questioning.

            _Fuck._ He’s so fucking hot I don’t even know what to do with myself, especially when he glances at me with that innocent expression and then looks down, like he knows he’s being bad. Which he kind of is, in his own way. Now his eyes are on me again, and they’re asking what I desire.

            Something new tonight.

            “Strip for me.” He reaches, rather quickly, to pull the hoodie over his head, but I stop him. “No. Strip slowly. Tease me with it.” Not that his very presence isn’t enough of a damn distraction when I’m trying to write reports, but maybe I’m a masochist tonight, wanting to be teased.

            Strangely, he’s fidgeting. I wonder what this is about. Was someone in his family a stripper? Did he catch his mom stripping for his father and I’m triggering that memory? Use your words, Kaidan. I raise an eyebrow at him and he’s just looking at me with this weird uncomfortable face I’ve never seen and man do I want to break into laughter right now. He makes me laugh all the time without even meaning to.

            “I’m waiting, Kaidan.” I try to put impatience into my voice. A threat. I wouldn’t believe me though.

            “I, uh… can’t.”

            “… explain.”

            “I know you love me in this hoodie and it’s super comfortable but I won’t be able to...” he trails off in a mumble.

            I’m kind of at a loss for words right now, so I just sit here like an idiot, feeling like someone’s put a fishhook in my brow and it’s permanently on high alert.

            He sighs. “Look, it’s hard to explain. I have trouble with the zipper, okay?”

            “Kaidan, it’s a zipper. Do you need an instruction manual or something?”

            “No!” It’s like he’s indignant. Mad at me for making fun of him. Hmm.

            “Let me see you take it off.”

            “John…”

            “Now, Kaidan. That’s an order.”

            So he pulls it down, and amazingly, he’s glaring at me. Okay, if this is how you want to play it, K, you’ll get your wish. I _will_ spank your ass so hard you can’t sit tomorrow, major or no.

            He successfully gets it off and I have no idea what the hell he’s talking about but I’m feeling a bit mischievous so I ask him to put it back on. He does, but doesn’t zip it.

            “With the zipper, Kaidan.”

            “John…”

            “Goddammit. I want to see this nonsense.” My voice is amused now and I can’t hide it.

            He starts trying. Like, it’s simple. Clasp the pieces together and then pull up. It’s a standard issue zipper. But he’s having trouble clasping it, and then when it does clasp, he keeps pulling it up wrong. It catches on… itself?... and one side goes up on its own.

            His face is so frustrated and now the laugh is bubbling up. I don’t want to laugh at him because he looks so lost, it’s ridiculous how adorable this is, but fucking hell this is hilarious.

            Kaidan Alenko, second human Spectre, Major of the Alliance military and cosmic badass has been defeated by a zipper. I just can’t believe it.

            I’m laughing so hard that tears are running down my face and I can’t breathe, and my poor sweet Kaidan’s face is red with embarrassment and a little bit of anger, but oh my god I can’t stop. If only I had recorded this. Perfect blackmail material… not that he would disobey my orders anyway. Here or anywhere else.

            When I’ve finally finished wiping the tears from my eyes, I look at him with a grin. “So. How do you take off your BDUs? You’ve taken mine off practically with your teeth! I’m so confused right now.”

            He’s pouting. “It’s not all zippers! Just… some of them.”

            “… some of them.”

            “Yeah! Some of them are hard.”

            “Well, let me check this one out.” Sure enough, I can zip it up for him just fine. “Guess I’ll just have to dress you tomorrow, huh? Like a doll. My own little Alenko doll.”

            He elbows me in the stomach before planting his face in the pillow and groaning with humiliation.

            And this is why I love you, Kaidan Alenko. You will never understand just how precious you are.

**Author's Note:**

> Kaidan's dilemma may or may not have been modeled after one of my own...


End file.
